


Let me lose myself.

by EminentLifeform



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Civil War, F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-11
Updated: 2019-08-11
Packaged: 2020-08-18 23:49:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,255
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20200225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EminentLifeform/pseuds/EminentLifeform
Summary: War cannot change.People, however, need to change to adapt to war.





	Let me lose myself.

**Author's Note:**

> ah. I've been playing far too much fallout and this war of mine. comments are appreciated, so are suggestions.

Beach city was once a beautiful metropolis.

Everything used to be so cheerful. If you happened to catch a stranger’s sight in public, you could see how happy said stranger was.

But, oh how terrible war is. It never changes. People change from it.

What was I before Beach city fell into constant bomb siege?

Right. I was a student. Fresh out of my junior year. I was on my first-week of summer vacation. Just before the bombs fell. My neck goes cold whenever I remember that damned message that was sent massively.

Incoming ballistic missiles. Seek shelter immediately.

I wonder how many people survived in total. As soon as said alarm went off in every phone in the vicinity, I heard people’s sanity breaking. If I can recall correctly, I can remember how people around me began to behave like maniacs.

But I can’t, sadly, for I was one of the said maniacs. So, I’ll tell you what I’ve been told.

Garnet, before she went nuts, told me that she saw people on their knees, crying on fetal position, realizing they were unable to get to the safety of their homes or to die surrounded by their families. It was – Tragic, to say the least, to know that it is probable that Garnet saw the last minutes of life of some people.

Pearl told me how people rushed out from the store she was in at the time they saw the notification with as many groceries they could carry. The guards didn’t do anything, what could they do, besides panicking as well? They didn’t have a job anymore, and so, they stole goods too. Pearl muttered a sorry to Steven and asked him to help her carry as many canned soups he could fit on his tiny, childish arms.

Amethyst, oh, Ame. She had the worst experience, in my opinion. She was at the train station that used to connect Beach city with Empire city. Amethyst was almost alone since not enough people used to travel to or from empire city at 2 PM.

Thus, it was only her, a couple of guards, and a young lady with her infant daughter wrapped in a blanket. They were waiting side by side.

Amethyst said that the girl glanced at the notification, and with a teary smile she handed the girl to Amethyst, mumbling her name, and proceeded to jump onto the last on-coming train.

The girl, named Opal, died of hypothermia a month after the first bombing. Amethyst sleeps with a pillow covered in her blanket.

If you’re wondering what I remember about the event, I’ll be honest with you. I can’t remember how it went from my perspective. Vaguely, I recall how Nanefua, the cook from Fish Stew Pizza saved my sorry ass from the bombing.

She saw me wandering to my house, walking far too slow to get there in time, and she made her way to me. Nanefua made eye contact with me and smiling she rushed me inside to their basement. After that, it’s all a blur of loud noises and crying in a corner. I also remember her making me a cup of tea. I can’t measure with words how calm she was.

Now, after 3 months since the first shelling, it clicked me how well prepared the Pizza family were. Their basement was full of supplies that would have lasted months if they rationed them accordingly. That is if they had survived the first raids of soldiers.

We didn’t expect it, somehow, we all hoped that it would all be over after the first shelling.

Only then, we realized how misinformed Beach city was. We all should have believed Ronaldo when he said the country was at war.

But oh, how could the country be at war when Beach city was full of tourists, our economy was doing just fine and no news about wars were being transmitted on TV?

Oh right, mass control is a thing that exists. I cannot stress enough how mad I am of believing Mayor Dewey’s sweaty forehead every time he waltzed around the city remembering us how okay things were going.

After the soldiers, people went beyond insanity. Scavengers appeared. They are, probably, one of the worst threats one could come across. Some of them will leave as soon as you spot them and blow their cover. Those people are what I call cowards. They are useless people that are, statistically, not going to survive long enough to see the awaited ceasefire. Trust me. On 3 mere months, I’ve seen my neighbors die due to either not is brave enough to go out and scavenge or be the victim of a gutsy rummager.

Anyways. I’ve gotta be honest with you. I had to become one of the worst kinds of scavengers.

But first – I also must introduce you to my situation. How are you going to be a coward there’s three people apart from you that are in constant risk of starvation and illness? Come on! There’s even a kid that relays on me! How can I be a coward? Would you be a coward?

Of course not. Well – At least not me. I’m not going to hide in a hole and wait for death to come for me. If I die, let it be trying to make the world of those I care for brighter.

**-**

‘’Peridot – ‘’ Amethyst took the time to knock on my almost entirely knocked down door before peering inside the room I’ve been using as my bedroom. We had to break into a house from a neighbor after our house got shelled. ‘’You didn’t eat today. ‘’ Her voice was pleading. It made me feel bad.

Yet, I looked at her, smiling softly, tilting my head innocently.

‘’I ate yesterday. I’ve got no problem giving my ration to either Steven or you. ‘’

She looked guilty. Pitying myself into eating.

‘’You don’t have to do that. ‘’

‘’Ame, it’s alright. ‘’

Amethyst walked towards me. She sat on the bed we had to build out of spare cushions and splintered wood. It creaked under her weight.

‘’You’re the only one who can go out and scavenge. ‘’ I kept my eyes on my notebook. Oh, cowardice is running up and down my spine. I didn’t want to go out anymore – I don’t want to go out anymore. I’m tired and weak, and I –

‘’I know, Amethyst. ‘’

I am the only one who can go out and get supplies. Garnet had gotten badly injured by a soldier who caught her scavenging. She had been shot on her knee. Gladly the soldier thought her dead when she helplessly fell to the floor. Garnet crawled back from south beach city to our shelter.

‘’Pearl – She isn’t here anymore. She can’t go out and – ‘’ She sighed.

‘’I know, Amethyst. ‘’

Pearl had dedicated her time to tend and care for Garnet’s wound. Pearl had lost herself in a spiral of serving her.

And Garnet couldn’t do anything to stop her but try to talk her out of it. Try to calm her down.

She didn’t succeed.

Pearl got herself killed trying to steal bandages for Garnet.

Garnet had locked herself inside the dusty office the building had. Only Amethyst was allowed to see her. She couldn’t bear being seen on such a pitiful state.

Amethyst and I decided on two things since then.

She will make sure to keep the house safe from thieves when I scavenged and take care of Steven and Garnet, and I would be to make sure we had enough food and to get anything we needed to survive.

‘’Eat, Peridot, _please_. ‘’

Her eyes were tired. She wasn’t the girl who loved prank and garbage food anymore. She was long gone, trapped under a passing train.

‘’Ame… ‘’

Her arm left the can of cold soup on my desk. ‘’ Steven begged me to convince you to eat. ‘’

‘’Ah ‘’

Of course, he had to do something with it.

Nonchalantly as I could, I grabbed the canned soup and began to eat.

It didn’t taste good at all, but at this point having canned food to eat was the fanciest meal one could have. Mostly because any perishable foods were already rotten due to electricity being cut on mostly every zone of the city.

I am a tech fanatic, and I was thinking of pursuing a career related to it. Perhaps even get a Ph.D. Oh, how far and unlikely those dreams look now.

However, I am of use. I made a lot of things easier. We had a functioning radio I was able to build with Pearl’s help before she died, working electricity – Even if it was at a low voltage – and I had learned how to build stuff improvising with what I had at hand. Only in three months.

Amethyst never stopped looking at me as I ate. But I could tell she wasn’t looking at me, but most likely lost in her thoughts. So I lost myself on how much she had changed. She had dyed her hair the day before the war started. A nice pale lavender. Now it was all yellow and ugly.

‘’I should find some hair dye for you. ‘’

Ame looked at me as if I had said the funniest thing, she had heard in years… Which probably was.

‘’You’re crazy, do you know that? ‘’

‘’Gott keep the spirits up one way or another. ‘’

We chuckled to ourselves. I finished eating my soup.

‘’I’ll go check on Steven. ‘’ She said as soon as I put the spoon down.

I nodded, facing my diary once again. ‘’I’ll go out today. Thanks for the food. Ame.’’

She left, and I heard her mumbling something about me getting some rest then.

‘’I gotta find her some hair dye. Maybe that’ll do her day. She really needs it. ‘’

Staring at my journal, my mind traced off, trying to find a closing quote to my daily entry.

I hit the desk with my pen a couple of times until an invisible lightbulb began to shine on top of my head.

At the bottom of the page, careful to make it as legible as I could, I wrote;

_In modern war, you will die like a dog for no good reason._

After all, no one guaranteed me I would be back alive.

**-**

The clock on my wrist switched from 7:59 PM to 8:00 PM.

I made sure to leave my journal on the desk along with a note on top of it to read it if I didn’t make it back. With the promise to come back before 8 AM, I left our shelter.

Today’s night is chilly. Perhaps I should keep an eye out for clothes. Anything helps these days.

Taking the map I had drawn based off _The tourist guide to Beach city _Fish Stew Pizza had, I cornered myself behind some boxes for cover.

_Today’s a Tuesday, so I can’t go to west Beach city. Downtown had a 24/7 store, and only a few days ago the military left that zone. There could be a chance of finding soldiers patrolling, or maybe a nasty hobo looking for food, but we don’t have supplies to last us for more than a week, and…_

Enough. I must move. The night’s not going to last forever, and that place should have more rations than what aid crates gives beach city each month.

_I hope there are no snipers_.

Stepping out of my hideout, and looking to every possible direction, I took off towards Beach city’s midtown.

**-**

As soon as I got close to the store, I heard someone.

Of course, there had to be someone here, how could I be so stupid?

Listening closer, I heard the accent I had learned to dread and to hide from. A soldier, talking to someone. And their words were bitter against my ears. She was behind the glass door; I could easily see her. I was thankfully hidden behind a fallen wall with just enough vision to see she was talking to someone else. The other person was kneeling, searching for anything she could salvage from under the shelves.

‘’You’ve got a pretty name – What are you looking for? ‘’ The soldier said. Her words scurried out of her mouth. She was drunk. Good.

‘’Food. Water, if I’m lucky. I need medicine too. I’m severely ill. ‘’

Another voice. It was calm and feminine. How can she be so calm when she has a death bringer in front of her?

‘’I could give you that, if you want to – ‘’ I saw how she approached the figure. _Oh no._ ‘’I’ve got some in my bag, ya know, if you’re willing to do me a favor. ‘’

I saw how she fiercely grabbed the figure’s arm and pinned her to the floor.

I looked away.

What could I do, but listen to someone get –

Someone get –

No.

Peridot

Don’t be a coward.

You have to do something – Do you want her to end like Pearl?

That poor girl – You know you can hear how she’s fighting.

_Get up. You know you have a crowbar on your bag. Use it._

So I got up.

So I dashed inside.

So I hit the damn soldier in the neck.

I’m trembling. I’m covered in blood.

However, I catch a glimpse of blue, in between this red ocean.

Ocean. Yeah. That’s what I see.

The ocean is around Beach city. But I got caught in a different one.

‘’Hey. ‘’

I heard the ocean say confidently.


End file.
